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Did You Experience Multiple Forms of Enmeshment?
Written By: Mary Angeline Flordeliza
As mentioned previously in the third video, Common Forms of Enmeshment, it is plausible to experience multiple forms of enmeshment at different points in one’s life, or experience them simultaneously. Although most studies on enmeshment don’t focus on how these may overlap.
External and internal factors can also make other forms more visible in parent-child dynamics than others, making other forms harder to recognize. These include stereotypes such as older children being parentified or younger children being infantilized. Yet, as our study explored the interviewees’ narratives –regardless of what form they initially reported– they found themselves to be experiencing other forms.
Infantilization and Parentification
To illustrate, one of the infantilized interviewees, Tam (pseudonym) had grown up to constant harsh criticism and sporadic aggression from his mother. He was often undermined when he could not do specific chores in her precise time or standards, or when he could not academically compete with his eldest brother. This fueled his struggles with his self-esteem and relationships later on.
Despite this, Tam describes himself as the household’s utusan (errand boy) –often taking care of his siblings’ chores even when they are responsible for their own dishes, doing maintenance around the house, fetching or teaching his younger siblings, diffusing family tensions –which often leaves him exhausted and overstimulated to the amount of needs that he has to care for on a daily basis.
Tam recounts that the only time he had for himself was at night, and most times, past midnight. Despite knowing it wouldn’t be good for his body to sleep little, he felt that it was the only time where he could be at peace and away from his family.
Overinvolvement and Emotional Parentification
Another story from one of the interviewees include these two manifestations, however let’s define these two first.
Emotional parentification may look like parents inappropriately depending on their child for their mental health such as seeking out relationship advice, mediating conflicts, making them responsible for their emotions (Garber, 2021). The parentified children act as emotional caretakers while suppressing their own needs, health, and emotions.
For Overinvolvement –in this context, refers to one of the things that happen in Emotional Fusion– specifically when parents try to mold their children as mini-versions of themselves due to overidentifying with their child’s identity. This ultimately hinders their children’s individuation as aspects of their life are expected to conform to a parents’ beliefs, thoughts, preferences, and so on.
From these definitions alone, you may already start to paint a picture of how these two could work in tandem. For Tali, one of our interviewees, she experienced this to a painstaking degree. She was an emotional caretaker, a provider, and someone who felt more like a parent than a child. Yet, her mother who had neglected their family’s finances and health still largely influenced what her children would do, how her children should dress even after turning into adults, who their partners should be, and how they should work, even if unsustainable.
In a Nutshell
These narratives and previous literature suggest that enmeshment is not just a one note experience. While there are differences in how children are treated in enmeshed parent-child dynamics, there are also similarities due to the nature of enmeshment. As such, children regardless of the form they experience are hindered in developing their sense of self as their identity becomes entangled with those of their guardians or family members.
While it is difficult to overcome the impact it has on family members, there are professionals and interventions are available to those who experience it.
Do you need help in finding affordable mental healthcare?
Note: These resources are based in the Philippines, check for mental healthcare providers in your region as it may be more fit towards your needs.
REFERENCES AND READINGS
Calatrava, M., Martins, M. V., Schweer-Collins, M., Duch-Ceballos, C., & Rodríguez-González, M. (2022). Differentiation of self: A scoping review of Bowen Family Systems Theory’s core construct. Clinical psychology review, 91, 102101. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2021.102101
Costa, R.M. (2017). Displacement (Defense Mechanism). In: Zeigler-Hill, V., Shackelford, T. (eds) Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-28099-8_1374-1
Garber, B.D. (2021). The Dynamics of the Enmeshed Family System Ten Years Later: Family Court and Contemporary Understanding of Adultification, Parentification, and Infantilization. Journal of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. 34, 97-120. https://familylawconsulting.org/publications/Enmeshment%202021%20update.pdf
Love, P., & Robinson, J. (1991). The Emotional Incest Syndrome What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life. P.10-15. Bantam Books. http://www.vlebooks.com/vleweb/product/openreader?id=none&isbn=9780307799180